Some things that cross my mind

This has been a tough piece for me to finish. Maybe it is the transparency of my sinfulness or my pride wanting to conceal it.

I will be honest this journey here living life in ministry is a wonderful paradox of blessings and brokenness where even the brokenness is sweet. It is a joy to be able to participate in the work of the Lord and see his mercies and provision unfold so tenderly for those He Loves. Daily we witness how it is by His grace that we even breath let alone get to participate in telling the story of redemption from the vantage point of lives redeemed, walking miracles of His unfathomable Love. Humbling to say the least.
Just as much as you see it unfold for others there is the continual refining work He is accomplishing in our own hearts as well.

These past months here have been laced with lessons steeped in grace and mercy that only hindsight can reveal.

In short I will say that I have had a compilation of ailments that began to consume me. Chronic roaming pain lead to 5 months of sleep deprivation and limited ability to walk comfortably. Was it the cold air, cement floors, did arthritis just hit me?The thorn in my side, back legs, hips, head you name it.
Then came the reoccurring sinus issues daily headaches with motion sickness and inner ear pain and dull hearing.
My approach to suffering has been to avoid it at all costs so this already sets me up for a resistant heart followed by the well visited pity pot of "why me" and a honed habit of trying to complain it away concluding with spiritual pouting. Needless to say I was not a great witness..luckily it rained a lot and I moved so slow my radius of damage was small.

A trip to Canada provided a possible explanation for my sinus issues...failed dental work... the tooth had to come out. I have a irrational fear/ insane phobia of the dentist so much so that I had not been to the dentist in 10 years and I have no cavities. So pulling a perfectly good non painful tooth seemed a cruel joke. I did not pray for courage or patience.

Through all of this I started to think about the Sovereignty of God. That He is indeed in control. The creator has allowed all of this so there must be a purpose in it.

I knew this much, that at times suffering comes to reveal your heart, your faith, your resolve at other times it is to complete a work in those around us. I wanted to respond differently than my whiney past. So the teaching begins. As I sit at his feet accepting that in some measure this is His provision for me I ask WWJD? I thought about how he faced an unimaginable trial.

He prepared.
We are often in a trial, about to enter one or just leaving one. How do we prepare?
He prayed to the father while others slept.
Three times he asked the father to remove this from Him if it was His will.
No answer.
No answer is an answer.
Sadly for me a bit short on endurance and jeers from the enemy convincing me of my inadequacies, sadly I listen. Fostering doubt in who we are in the Lord. Our position as sons and daughters. Somehow I equated pain with punishment and this is a lie and the doubting or lack of faith is a sin.
I considered Jesus steps in the Garden. I think what gave Him the strength to accept this cup was truly understanding the sovereignty of God. The creator, the author of life was calling the shots and trusting that ALL things work for the good of those that Love Him.
That He holds All things together that He is outside of time and space and can see the beginning and the end. Believing that God is good ALL the time.
Considering suffering from that perspective would strengthen you for the journey. Pray first accept the answer then trust in His sovereignity.

Again I return to Canada this time with a heavy heart as I am prostrate in prayer for a sister at our church who has a massive brain tumor. Teresa was sent home to live out her remaining days due to a lack of insurance with an aggressive tumor. When I arrive home I chat with our dentist Matt who also attends our church who had graciously dealt with my my tooth as well as my neurosis.

I was sick. I thought I had a sinus infection again instead my tooth site and sinuses were infected he would need to operate on me. Seriously! didn't God get my memo about me being terrified of dentists!
So here we go.... being that it was a Sunday my dear friend Starr willingly agreed to assist. Although talented with many things, dental assisting is not one of them nor is it on her resume. Now don't get me wrong as much as I love her I was not so thrilled about her holding pain tools in my face even if she is good with a vacuum. This felt like a back alley operation. Words like incision, stitches, bone chips just about had me faint. Then I thought about Theresa. All I could do was be humbled. After all I had an infection in my face like her and here I was receiving such merciful provision. I could not get her face from my mind. Instead of feeling self consumed with "why me" and my own suffering I began to pray for her as silent tears streaked my face.
My focus shifted. Off of me onto the Lord praising him and thanking Him lifting my sister up in prayer.
Often pain is exaggerated by a horizontal focus where as relief comes through a vertical one.

I wondered how these past months of suffering might have been limited even relieved by faithful prayer or time spent with the Father in His word at his feet in the garden in my heart.
Take it even further to consider to sing joyfully dare I say even grateful rejoicing in and through the pain, thankful that I am His full of hope in the work to be accomplished.
To accept that this trial was Gods will. That the suffering could glorify the Father.
It is an opportunity for even a closer relationship with the father. Much like a mother suffers in childbirth something beautiful has occurred a knitting together through the process.
We are being knit together participating in his Glory being revealed through the suffering if we trust Him. Truly it is a blessed event if we have this perspective.
This is where the rubber meets the road and the choice of obedience begins.

As I phone home I hear reports of Theresa's wide stretched hands on her knees at church with praise to the Father while the whole church silently wept in conviction behind her. I am humbled yet again.

I am also reminded of a dear sister Karleen who has endured great suffering with her life suspended each day by grace. I have witness her suffering as a Holy event where she honors Him with each heartbeat with her honest adoration with each breath he wills.
Both of these women glorify the Father in their darkest moments trusting Him and their faces are marked by an unimaginable peace.

And so I conclude with the thought of Jesus and His silent suffering, His complete trust and submission to the Father's will. It's beautiful accomplishment. The separation from the father does not exist for us because of Jesus.

Each day we face we have the security of Him in dying world how much more should we shine differently when trials come living in His promises reflecting the Hope we have in him with a grateful heart for the opportunity to Glorify him.

Interesting things to ponder after my second dental surgery, with pain still in my jaw, sinuses and face with a looming threat of another infection.

This has been my meditation..how to bring Him Glory in and through it I shudder at the missed opportunity with the shallow measure in my cup and yet I am convicted ,taught and grateful, blessed by the mercy of hindsight and hope these word in some small measure give Him Glory.

My prayer is that His will be done and I won't whine.